The missing personal space

Hi. It's been a month, I guess, since my last post. It's funny that this blog is supposed to be where I share my personal thoughts but right now I can't really say why I've been away from taking care of this website of mine that I have always loved. I can say that I've been busy with school presentations and assignments, but the other (personal) reasons are taboo to mention here despite the function of this website. 

I remember writing about a health related problem that I had, like, two months ago. At that time I already felt that I couldn't say everything that I really felt like saying as a way of me letting go what I had in my head. Having known that the blog post would be read forced me to set a border of what I should say and shouldn't. I didn't want to go way too personal and have my very personal problems known by strangers. 

The problem is I was addicted to having readers and my stories commented. 

I used to think that I wanted (or needed) to have my own blog so I could sit in my room and talk about anything that I wanted to talk about. Anything personal that I can't talk about with my friends. Perhaps I should have started as an anonymous blogger. But I don't think I would be able to stay anonymous because I would still post photos of me doing things. 

In the past month, it wasn't really because I didn't have 10-15mins to write something up on my blog, but oftentimes I hesitated to say what I wanted to say for the topics would have been too personal. 

I remember, after the first few weeks at college, my room mates asked me if I had a website. I spontaneously "Yes"-ed it. That's just me. But then I regretted having said that. They asked for the address. 

I immediately panicked in my head.  "Wait. They will find out my personal stuff about the virus and some other personal things that will be awkward to talk about in real life." I didn't give what they asked for. But they would Google it, as they said. 

Then I had to hide some old posts by, at least, displaying only one post on each page, instead of five or seven posts. 

I haven't decided what to do about this concern. Not going back to you guys' blog would be considered rude. Having readers and my stories commented have been a bless. Book writers are happy when they know their books are read and talked about.

I would like it to come home from a long day out and have something to talk about, about, say, someone I was so irritated by that I would probably say that I felt like killing the person. That doesn't happen. But my point is, I think it's good to have such a comfort with my own world and space where no rules can put my in jail or bad judgments just for saying things in written words. 

I don't even know where this writing is going now. 

Having a best friend is still not enough. Having two or more wouldn't make so much difference. They have their own problems too. I can't do like, "Oh, I so hate this person. I feel like it's unfair for me. If being a murder was fine, I would be one by now." 

My best friend can say back to me, "We've talked about this several times. I'm bored of the topic. Just move on."

I just can't be selfish all the time to my best friend by talking about a problem over and over until I can get over it. That's when a personal blog is useful. But, again, at the same time, knowing that this is going to be read by one or two readers while I'm not being anonymous scares me to be all the way open about problems that I currently have. 

I'm so losing readers after this. I'm sorry. I will get back to you when I want to, not if. I want my opinion honest again. I want to visit you guys' blog when I really feel like reading different stories of other people. 

It's like reading a book. I don't like to be forced to read a book. I would need a perfect quiet time in the afternoon or evening when I feel relaxed in my own world -when I really take time reading the words written and try to feel the emotion behind each individual word. 

I want to appreciate your stories more by actually knowing what I read and taking time to read them. I want my comments to be appreciatively highly relevant again. 

Before I end this for now, as my attempt to solve my problems I will start taking another Japanese class and tennis class next week. I hope they will work to distract my attention that has been to miserable events that similarly happened last year. There are some other problems too. 

You guys keep enjoying writing!

[Comments]